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by Brown Emily

eBook Patterns Of Infidelity And Their Treatment download ISBN: 1583910174
Author: Brown Emily
Publisher: Routledge; 1 edition (June 2001)
Language: English
Pages: 288
ePub: 1478 kb
Fb2: 1945 kb
Rating: 4.4
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Category: Medics
Subcategory: Medicine

Emily M. Brown, MSW, LCSW, is Director of the Key Bridge Therapy and Mediation Center in Arlington .

Emily M. Brown, MSW, LCSW, is Director of the Key Bridge Therapy and Mediation Center in Arlington, Virginia.

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The author addresses issues that include revealing the affair, managing the consequences, rebuilding, and treating an unmarried third party, as well as the host of complex issues regarding children and custody arrangements.

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Emily Brown has written a must-read book for anyone going through the searing pain of infidelity. She is the author of Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment and a noted international expert on the issue of affairs. First she deciphers the five types of affairs, then she gives clear step-by-step procedures to help both partners deal with it and even grow from it. It's a real achievement. Marguerite Kelly, syndicated columnist, The Family Almanac and author, Marguerite Kelly's Family Almanac. Brown has appeared as a guest on numerous radio and television talk shows including Oprah, The Today Show, and National Public Radio's Talk of the Nation. Библиографические данные.

Section I: Patterns of Infidelity. Chapter 1: An Affair is a Family Issue. Emily M. Section II: Critical Issues in Treatment. Chapter 3: Hiding, Telling, or Getting Caught: Issues in Revealing an Affair. Chapter 4: Disclosing the Affair.

An age-old problem, infidelity is increasingly and openly being discussed as part of the public dialogue. In recent years, demand has risen among mental health professionals, as well as the general public, for an honest exploration into affairs, their causes, their consequences, and the most effective ways to provide treatment for those involved. The second edition of Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment speaks to this growing demand for expertise on infidelity and its treatment and does so with refreshing directness and candor. The new edition of this highly-regarded book includes comprehensive discussion of the nature of an affair and the five types of affairs and their underlying dynamics. The author addresses issues that include revealing the affair, managing the consequences, rebuilding, and treating an unmarried third party, as well as the host of complex issues regarding children and custody arrangements. New material for the second edition includes cybersex and the effects of new technology on fidelity in marriage; the effects of managed care on treatment; marriage to the third party; and a new chapter on affairs and violence. This updated edition of Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment is an essential resource for marriage and family therapists, counselors, social workers, pastoral counselors and students in the mental health professions as they endeavor to help clients deal with the fallout of infidelity and to broaden and deepen their understanding of this phenomenon.
Comments: (7)
Brown's concept of split self (which can mistakenly be taken by BS's to mean, an "excuse that removes the WS from taking responsibility" ought to be seen in the light in which it is elaborated here, addressing a treatable condition from the perspective of therapy. It is probably her unique contribution to the literature on Infidelity.

Consistent with the idea that therapy is not about (only) acknowledging the grief after discovery of the affair as it is experienced from only the perspective of the BS, but rather a process of trying to unravel what went wrong in the marriage, and what led the WS to change/abandon their commitment, and what is the best next step for both, Brown does not take sides, nor does she want to dismiss the enormous pain and suffering all members involved are going to feel. Her audience is NOT the grieving BS, it is, rather, therapists. It might be helpful for readers to take the concept of split self as an analogy, as a model for understanding HOW an unfaithful partner is ABLE to maintain on the one hand, the SEMBLANCE of a GOOD marriage, but on the other hand elaborately and cleverly organize another life outside the marriage that is rich in emotional and physical gratification with another partner. Her approach also speaks essentially to ESTABLISHED marriages. She offers very little in the area of infidelity, for example, during dating, close to the nuptials, postpartum, etc., which her theory simply does not fit. Unlike other others(Glass, Kirschbaum) who try to create an elaborate catch-all types taxonomy of infidelity, Brown is best read for the specific type of infidelity: Split-self affairs in men and in women over 40.

Im a little disappointed that she spends too much time using the male infidelity example, because as she clearly shows, infidelity of this type in women over 40 is significantly different from men (for example women choose single available men more or less their own age, while men choose much younger women whether or not they are potential future spouses) and that she also confers with the majority of the statistics on infidelity that show the numbers for women are rising and the same is not true for men. So I would like her to have dedicated, for example, a chapter perhaps where she talks about "Split self wives" and "split self" husbands, and in good detail.

Brown identifies 5 types of affairs, and I have focused my discussion on what I believe to be her unique and best work. The other types are typically and equally handled by Glass and others and do not illicit the kind of panic and criticism that her split self theory does, and for that reason, have chosen to focus my review on those chapters of her text.
This book is one of the best I've found in comprehensively understanding and explaining the types of affairs and how to treat them. Thank you!
As a therapist I highly recommend Emily's analysis of the different types of affairs. It has taken my sessions to another level beyond much more experienced therapists. The models are great. They resonate. Great work.
This book depends on a premise that lacks any empirical support and makes no theoretical sense: That affairs are functions of the marriages in which they occur.
That an affair has occurred obviously means that the marriage was vulnerable to an affair--that the pattern of marital interaction allowed for an affair to happen. That does not imply that the affair is a function of that pattern.
Here's a plain fact: There simply is no decent research showing Ms. Brown's premise. None. It simply does not exist. And it can't: the idea is untestable, for at least two reasons.
First, it is unfalsifiable. You can always find a way to believe it if you want to. In every marriage, as in every human relationship, there are always conflicts and disappointments, and if you want to assert that some of them caused a certain behavior, you can always do so. Like the idea that everything is God's will, the idea lacks any proof in its behalf, but people who believe it can always deploy it to interpret events.
Second, the idea is a poorly formed hypothesis in the first place. The unfortunate notion that affairs reflect the state of the marriage in which they occur is part of a shibboleth of marriage and family therapists, called "systems" theory. However, nothing in general systems theory, as understood outside M&F counseling, would suggest that a family is a system in the sense necessary for the theory to apply: No marriage or family is sufficiently isolated to allow the systemic dynamics, such as they are, to determine the behavior of the components--namely, the family members.
Every person is part of many systems--his or her extended family, work colleagues, friends, social strata, local community, larger society, and so forth--all of which have something to do with determining behavior, insofar as systems theory has any applicability to human behavior at all.
So the very idea that family dynamics even COULD cause an afffair rests on an indefensible idea. You simply cannot isolate a family well enough ever to create a test for the hypothesis--and no one outside M&F therapy would ever think you could, since a family so obviously does not fit the initial conditions necessary for applying the theory.
Ms. Brown's typology of affairs is likewise lacking in empirical testing. There simply is no research validating that these are the types of affairs. And it is ridiculously easy to show that the types of affairs she countenances do not encompass all the reasons affairs take place.
Sometimes a spouse is mentally ill, for instance. Sometimes a spouse's early upbringing left him or her with serious ethical lacunae. Sometimes we just marry the wrong people, because we are young and naive or otherwise obtuse when marrying, and the person we marry chooses a dishonorable path. Sometimes we choose dishonorable ways of feeling better because of our own shortcomings. None of those are functions of the marriage.
And sometimes an affair reflects the simple facts that affairs are fun and people believe they can get away with them. The well-known "Coolidge effect," that (for the most part) sexual excitement increases with new partners, is one reason for affairs, and it is part of basic psychology, not a reflection of the marriage.
If you try to fit your spouse's infidelity, or your own, into Ms. Brown's views, you may be taking on responsibility for managing someone else's mental illness or moral shortcomings, or you may be shifting your mental illness or ethical immaturity to your marriage, where they can never be fixed.
Nothing ever makes an individual trustworthy except his or her own good character. An affair need not show anything wrong with the marriage, but it ALWAYS shows unreliable character--a person who does not keep promises and engages in deceit is (by definition)unreliable. If you are the betrayer, you will never become a reliable partner without reforming the moral callousness that enabled you to use betrayal to make yourself feel better. If you are the betrayed, you make a serious mistake in believing that anything you can do will make your partner more reliable. Yes, you might be able to decrease the partner's unhappiness; but then you will have taken responsibility for keeping the partner happy enough that he or she won't do what they should never be willing to do anyway.
In my many years as a therapist in New York, I've seen marriages destroyed by well-meaning but muddle-headed therapists who convince partners that something is wrong with the marriage, when there isn't, really--when some individual therapy or moral education for the betrayer could have saved the marriage. I've seen therapists ratify the betrayed person's broken sense of self by telling them they had a role in bringing it on themselves, thus forever warping their understanding of themselves and of the moral demands of marriage.
And I've seen people spend years and thousands of dollars in therapy chasing down mythical "system dynamics" that there is no sound reason to believe exist at all.
Ms. Brown invites more of the same.
All in the name of dogma that lack empirical support and make no theoretical sense.
I am hcv men
I have been a marriage and family therapist for over 40 years and believe that Ms. Brown's book does an excellent job of dealing with affairs from a family system perspective. From my experience this framework provides a way for therapists and client couples to grasp the devastation of a marital affair and begin the process of healing.

As therapists we must deal with both process and content. This book does an excellent job of portraying the various dances (types of affairs) as the process that sets the stage for a possible affair. I don't believe that Ms. Brown says all these dances will lead to an affair only that they may set the stage for such. As therapists it our goal to make the covert dance more overt. Her book absolutely supports the fact that the betraying partner is 100% responsible for the poor choice of dealing with uncomfortable marital dances by having an affair. What Ms. Brown does is distinguish between process, not always fully conscious, and the dysfunctional choices this can trigger in some partners. She does this in clear language that allows individuals and couples to understand the covert process. Once couples understand the process, they can begin the long road to healing. If they understand and choose to change it opens the marriage to a healthier connection.